Short Jokes and Puns (Part 1)

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.

A joke is a display of humor in which words are used within a specific and well-defined narrative structure to make people laugh and is usually not meant to be interpreted literally. A pun, also known as paronomasia, is a form of wordplay that exploits multiple meanings of a term, or of similar-sounding words, for an intended humorous or rhetorical effect.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and …........ a cola.” 

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.
Why cann’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.
Why did the chicken go to the séance?

To get to the other side.
Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.


 Shakespeare is estimated to have used over 3,000 puns in his plays.

How do you keep a bagel from getting away?

Put lox on it.
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

It’s two gross.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

Short Jokes

July 1st is celebrated around the world as International Joke Day.

What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabrador.
What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?

This tastes a little funny.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked at me surprised.
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.
What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?

A chew-chew train.
I have a fear of speed bumps.

But I am slowly getting over it.
How do you keep warm in a cold room?

You go to the corner because it’s always 90 degrees.
Why can you never trust someone holding graph paper?

They must be plotting something!
I hate Russian dolls…

They’re so full of themselves!
What did the grape say when it got crushed? 

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I don’t trust stairs. 

They’re always up to something.
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. 

Sadly, he lost his case.
I lost my mood ring.

I don't know how to feel about it!
 I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger and bigger!

Then it hit me.
Someone took my anti-depressent pills.

I hope they're happy!


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Author: Doyle

I was born in Atlanta, moved to Alpharetta at 4, lived there for 53 years and moved to Decatur in 2016. I've worked at such places as Richway, North Fulton Medical Center, Management Science America (Computer Tech/Project Manager) and Stacy's Compounding Pharmacy (Pharmacy Tech).

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